Photos and Memories

Last Saturday Dad and I took the old country back roads to Forest Grove to visit Grandpa and Grandma Ford. The day turned into a moment that I knew would be forever cherished in my mind.

I drove us in Dad's Volvo wagon, Dad filled the silence with stories about the old farm land and memories he had of the old country roads. Before we got to their house I picked up another coffee at a roadside espresso drive through. I knew the day was going to be a long one and I was going to need the added fuel. We had gotten word from my aunt that Grandpa's health was worsening and we should go and visit. It was not an easy trip to make, which was the cause of much of my silence. I wasn't sure what to expect when we arrived. I think my dad felt the same way.

We finally pulled into their driveway, their house looked different to me. The trees which used to shade the driveway had been removed and now the house was exposed. It had never looked so small and old to me. The roof was covered with a large blue tarp because it was in need of repair, it seemed to be symbolic of so much more.

Dad and I got out of the car and I waited to follow him. He said, "Come here I want to show you something." I followed him around the back of the garage to his fishing boat he bought this year. It was also covered with a blue tarp, which had collected rain water. Dad got a bucket and collected some of the water and poured in the grass below. Then we went and looked at Grandpa's garden, which was bare except for pruned tree limbs in a pile. We talked about planting the garden again this year, the things we should plant and where the border of the garden should be. I got excited about the thought of it even though it seems like it would be a lot of work and pointless to some. I think that it is necessary for holding onto treasured memories.

We continued to walk around the property and saw the bulbs were coming up again. Dad said that Grandpa had planted those when he was a kid. Dad had found two rose bushes in the garage they had brought out the weekend before, which needed planted. He started to pull out the shovel and I told him that I thought we should go inside and see them. He put down the shovel and rose bushes on the front porch stairs and we finally went in. Grandpa was in his chair by the front window where his recliner had always been. Grandma was cleaning the table around him. We said hello to them and I sat down in a chair across from him. My dad told them about the rose bushes that needed planting and then went out to go take care of them. I sat inside and talked to them. Grandpa couldn't hear me, it seemed like his hearing had gotten worse. He was reclined back with his arms raised above his head, he had never looked so small and frail. I found it hard to know what to do or to say.

Dad came back in about the time Aunt Ruby came over to take Grandma out shopping. After they left, Dad suggested that we take Grandpa out in the car for a ride. It was amazing to me how ready Grandpa was to get out of the house and on his way! He quickly got out of the recliner, grabbed his walker and made his way to the front door to get his shoes and coat on in no time at all. I didn't know that he had it in him to move that quickly! I waited with him by the front door as Dad pulled his car out of the garage. When the car was ready I helped Grandpa down the porch stairs and into the passengers seat. I got into the back and we waited for Dad to lock the house and get into the car. I noticed that Grandpa was breathing heavily I put my hand on his shoulder and he took my hand and held it. I said some prayers for him. When Dad got in I and told him about his breathing. Dad went back inside to get the travel oxygen tank. In the silence of the car I could hear Grandpa's heart, there was conjestion around it, which made a rattling noise, which kind of scared me. Dad came back to the car and hooked up the mask and asked Grandpa could feel the oxygen coming out. Grandpa said, "Yeah, I can feel a breeze!" My dad cracked up and I laughed a bit more nervously. His breathing began to slow down and he was relaxed, which made me relax as well.

Dad suggested we go to Scottie's drive-in and pickup Grandpa a milk shake. He hadn't been eating much lately and Grandpa said that he would have drink a little strawberry milk shake if we got him one. Dad stayed in the car with Grandpa and I went and ordered us some food and Grandpa's shake. I got back in with our lunch and we took off and drove through David's Hill and around old country roads where both Grandpa and Dad loved to go. I sat in the back like I was a kid again just listening to them talk and watching the scenery out the window. Grandpa wanted to take me by the old mill where he worked and the old apartment him and Grandma lived in. He said that they had gotten priority when other renters left and they got to move to the downstairs apartment, but they still had to share a bathroom with the other renters. He said they used to keep pigs in the back and they had a garden off to the side of the house. Things you would never hear of doing these days, but it saved them money because times were not easy for them.

It was a beautiful drive.

I watched Dad care after Grandpa, respecting and honoring him as same the strong father he had always been to him. Dad didn't show fear or sadness, he was just living in the moment remembering life as it used to be, laughing about stories and memories they had of the places we passed by. His wasn't ready to let go and just wanted to have more time and memories together. We got back to the house and Grandpa sat in an old broken recliner in the garage as Dad fixed his lawn mower. Grandpa told him where the tools he needed were. I went back into the house to give them time together and began looking through the old photo albums. There were many of my childhood, Dad's childhood, of Grandpa, and our family that I wanted to keep. I decided to take them to the photo copier shop in town and made copies of them. When I got back Dad was ready to go home. We said goodbye to Grandpa and Grandma and I drove us back home.

On the way back my dad said that he wasn't ready to write him off. I know he isn't ready to let go, that he is hurting and probably a little scared, but I know Dad is strong because of all Grandpa taught him and instilled in him, which I have been gifted with as well. It is hard to see someone who used to hold you and protect you, now needing held and protected by you. It is hard to watch, to walk through, and to know what to say or to do at times. My heart is heavy and full for Dad and Grandpa right now. It is hard to see Dad loosing his best friend. There is a deep well of story, love, and life there, which I have only seen small glimpses of. I watch in awe of all I do not understand and know. I try to hear thier stories and memories, but I do not have the picture to go with them, only the picture they paint for me. That is why I wanted to hold onto these pictures.

This week I have thought of things I wish I knew about or had asked Grandpa when he was able to hear better or when he had more strength to tell the whole story. I have looked through the these pictures and remembered when we would all come together for the holidays and during the summer when we would have family BBQ's. I would play in the garden and look at all of the wonderful things Grandpa had planted, carrots, corn, pumpkins, and tomatoes. I would pick raspberries, apples, and cherries and we would make apple cider and home made ice cream on the back porch. Dad and Grandpa would sit on the porch swing and talk. I would run and sit next to them and run off when I got bored, but I always knew they were always sitting there, that I was safe and watched over. These are memories I will always hold.

My dad called me to thank me for going out there with him. He said he had talked to Grandpa. He told me Grandpa had asked if I had made it back to Hood River alright and that it was good to see me. It made me smile, because he is still watching out for me.

I am not sure how much longer he will be with us, this week hospice told us he has about a week and a half to live. Dad said that he has changed a lot this week and doesn't have the same ability to respond in conversation. Hearing this news made me all the more grateful for our adventure last week and the time we were able to share together. I am forever holding onto our day in all of its beauty and sadness.