For My Parents

Last weekend my parents celebrated their 40th wedding Anniversary.  I wanted to write a blog about them, because they are both amazing people and together make an even more amazing team. My parents may look like Ken and Barbie from the outside, but I know they don't feel perfect and have walked through their  own struggles throughout the last 40 years, but continue to face each day and the uncertainty it brings with grace and love for each other.
I have been watching them my whole life and I have learned many things, how to love others, how to work hard, how to persevere, how to enjoy the little things in life, and how to follow Jesus. My parents have taught me by example that it's how you run the race that is important and that even if the race isn't going well you should keep running and persevere. I think about how I have seen this in  my Dad and how he has fought cancer for the last 11 years and in how my Mom has been by his side as his caregiver each and everyday of those 11 years. I think about my Mom and her abundant kindness and the love she shows him and everyone around her. She is also a fighter and one of the strongest women I know.
I think about how the week before their Anniversary my Dad was in the hospital for 10 day and my Mom slept by his side in a reclining chair every night. She only left the hospital every few days for a quick trip home to freshen up and take a quick break. I think about visiting my Dad in the hospital while he was going through the apheresis procedure to thin his blood. He was looking forward keeping a steady gaze ahead of him trying to keep focused on getting through it. I sat by his side talking to him, not without tears as I hoped (I blame the postnatal hormones or having something in my eye as my dad would say)! He was focused on what he needed to do and was comforting me in my tears. I was suppose to be there for him! I love both of my parents so much. I am so proud of them and the journey they have been on and continue to be on together. They have kept the pace and continue to run together through what each day brings them. I am so grateful for them and that they are my parents, teachers, role models, and friends. Thank you for the example you are to me and so many others. Thank you for never giving up and persevering forward together. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!WE love you!
  

Zoe's First Week Challenges.

Wow! What a week this has been, my uncle passed away after finding out he had cancer this last month, we made a trip to the childrens ER, and my parents were staying with us, and then there were all of the hours getting to know Zoe. We are tired to say the least! There is more to say about all of this, but I will tell you about why we ended up in the ER and what has been happening with Zoe.

So, Saturday and Sunday were great, we didn’t get a lot of sleep and I was pretty sore from the stitches and breast feeding. I felt like breast feeding was going pretty good. Monday, was the third day breast feeding, which is when you are suppose to get your milk in. Monday night I noticed it was in and I fed her and she conked out for an hour or more. In the middle of the night she was having problems falling asleep and then she began a crying fit. It was awful, nothing would console her, she was searching for my breast, but not latching onto it, because she was so upset and she would get more and more frustrated. Jon and I watched a DVD called Happiest Baby On The Block before she was born, the technique they teach which was incredibly helpful in this situation. Jon swaddled Zoe tightly and cradled her in his arm and gently rocked her while making a shhh noise. I let her suck on my finger and it calmed her down enough to where she would feed again. Jon was proud of himself, as he should be for saving the day! We were able to go back to sleep for a little bit, but this was the first of many crying fits that happened over the next 24 hours. Zoe and I got very little sleep throughout this. I was holding her all of the time and could hardly put her down before she would begin crying again. The crying turned into fits and as the fits progressed, Zoe would make a whimper noise that broke both of our hearts. Her mouth would get really dry and her cry started to sound hoarse. Eventually she would wear herself out and would nurse and sleep. Swaddling and letting her suck on my fingers would help a little, but only for a short time. I finally got to a point that I didn’t know what to anymore. I was worried about her, and I was worn out.

Wednesday morning I called our midwives to get some help. They suggested we bring her in and weigh her. They would also take a look at her to see if they could give us more advice. Jon had to go to a class that morning, so my dad took Zoe and I to the midwives. Heather, one of our midwives weighed her and told us that she weighed 6.12 pounds, which was almost one pound down from her birth weight. I couldn’t hold back the tears and I still can’t now while writing this. I was devastated. It's normal for babies to lose weight the first week, but that is usually 7-10%. Zoe had lost 12% in the first four days. I felt awful, I knew I did the best I could, but it wasn’t enough to help her. The other troubling thing was her heart rate was low, which was weird, because if she was dehydrated it should have been higher than normal. Heather consulted with the pediatrician we were planning on seeing that week. They both didn’t like that and thought we should take her to the Childrens Hospital ER to have her looked at further. This worried me more. I like to stay out of hospitals, that‘s why we birthed out of one! Heather, also wanted to let me know that if we took her to the hospital they would probably want to supplement her with formula. This made me cry again.

I have a strong conviction breast feeding is best and formula should be avoided at all costs. I believe this, because a baby’s bowels are a delicate ecosystem and even one bottle of formula can throw off that balance and make them more susceptible to allergies and illnesses. I also do not trust the sources of soy or milk that formula companies use. Most soy, even organic is cross-contaminated with genetically modified organisms (GMOs). Things I do not want to introduce to my baby ever. Let alone on her first four days of life! You might not agree with me on this point, but I decided we would not supplement with formula, but with donated brest milk. Heather told us that if we wanted to supplement with donated breast milk, that she knew of a mother who has a large amount available and she lived in are neighborhood. I told her that I would like to contact her and she gave us her information. I also called my sister-in-law Megan to see if she knew anyone else who had extra breast milk. Then I called Jon and had him call the mother Heather told us about. He went and got milk and started warming it, so that we could feed it to Zoe on the way to the ER. Dad, Zoe, and I left the midwives for home to drop of my dad and pick up Jon and some things that we needed. On the way to the hospital I fed Zoe a bottle in the car, which she took down well. When we got to the hospital they weighed her again and checked her heart rate. It was up from the midwives, which I attribute to the bottle of breast milk she had.

Megan met us at the ER to be with us, but she also brought us a bag of breast milk she collected from mom’s that she knows. She said that she traded the breast milk for some halibut that she had bought that week from a fisher man! We all had a good laugh about how it could look like a drug deal to people! I am so grateful for Megan’s support and the generous mothers who donated milk to Zoe.

Zoe had a second bottle at the hospital and immediately took a big poop! It was what she needed for her system to pick up and get going again. It was after this we saw a huge change in her. She was content with her eyes open. We hadn’t seen her eyes open since the day she was born. She also wasn’t crying anymore. She was happy to be held by Jon and others and she slept a lot! It was amazing! She was back to being the sweet little baby we met the day she was born. The diagnosis was that she was not getting enough milk from me, and we could go home if we agreed to a plan with the doctor’s, which included supplementing her with the donated breast milk and for me to begin pumping to help my milk supply and to get some much needed rest. That night we went home and I went to bed, Jon stayed up with Zoe and fed her and finally got some good quality time with her. It was what we all needed. I had asked Heather how much she should be sleeping and she said average is 2-3 hours, which sounded glorious to us! We had been getting much less than that the last few nights.

On Friday (two days later), we went her first pediatrician appointment where she was weighed at 7.8 pounds! We all celebrated her being able bounce back to almost where she started. Zoe is a little fighter! Heather told us that it was so good that she let us know something was wrong, because most babies will just sleep more when they are not getting enough food. Their parents will think it’s great getting more sleep and not know something is wrong. We are feeling much more positive about life with a baby! Jon and Zoe have been able to bond and they are really cute together! I have gotten more rest and have been pumping while feeding Zoe to help get the milk flowing! We have gotten more milk donated to us and I am again so grateful to the mom’s who have helped us. I feel like paying it forward when I have more milk to give. Zoe's first week didn't go as planned, but there was a lot of good and amazing things that came from it. We are so in love with Zoe and so blessed to have her.

On to week two!

Nesting: Part 1- Baby Registry = Panic!

Nesting is a funny time in pregnancy. I am motivated more than I have been in the last 6 months, but it has also come with some anxiety too. I don't know what I need or want for the baby and have felt at times it would be easier if I knew the sex of the baby or even meet the baby before I start registering for things. I would also like to see what I need as we go along, because I think the stores try to sell you on things that you might need, but probably can live with out. I have been thinking about what did people do before the big baby stores came along. My guess is people had less stuff and maybe a few more inconveniences, but their babies grew to be adults just fine. The other thing that I have struggled with is not finding anything that I really like. I don't want a lot of plastic crap that is made in China, which is in most of the big stores out there, it makes me cringe when I see it, especially brands like Graco and Carter's. I am sorry if you like them, that is fine I'm not saying other people can't, but I just don't! I don't think they have any great design aesthetics and the matchy-matchy, soft colors, poor quality, and the price tag attached to them are the main things that bother me about them. I am probably weird, I know that already, but I just cannot pull myself to register for stuff that I hate! So, I decided I should try to find somewhere else to register.

I decided to delete my first registry and start over at Amazon.com. Here is why, they have everything you could possible want for your baby and they also have this amazing button, which lets you add things you love from other websites to your registry. Amazing! I have stuff from Amazon.com, Target, Babies are Us, Tottini, Baby Gap, Blabla, and others on my registry and it's all stuff that I love and am excited about! The other amazing thing about Amazon.com is right now you can join Amazon Mom for free and they give you many discounts on baby stuff, but they also give you free two day shipping (also known as Prime shipping) on all of Amazon.com for joining. This comes in handy when you are shopping for the holidays, for gifts, grocery items, books, and well just about anything. I have become addicted! Sometime I don't want to go out shopping or when I am out of something like prenatal vitamins, I buy it on Amazon.com and I get it two days later delivered to my doorstep shipped for free! It's going to be even more handy after the baby comes. Anyway, all of this to say this is where I decided to register and I am excited about it! I also have made a registry at Target, for all of the people who want to go into a store and pick something out or are not comfortable shopping online. I have to say I was a little disappointed with the selection at the Target store by my house, but they actually have a lot more stuff online that I love, like Dwell Studio for Target, bedding, bibs, and clothes.

The other thing I have been doing in my nesting phase is shopping on Craigslist, Ebay, and Etsy for items that I really want for our baby, but cannot afford to buy new and would rather buy used anyway. So far I have bought our Peg Perego stroller and travel system in Orange for $50 from someone on Craigslist and our high chair, baby bouncer , baby bath, and baby seat off of ebay all for 50-75% less than what they normally retail at. I started to buy some of this really early on in the pregnancy, because I knew I wanted these items and kept my out for them on Ebay and Craigslist. It has worked out really well and I am excited to use them when our baby comes!

I am still not sure if I have everything on my registry that I need to have, if you think I have missed something or have suggestions of must haves please leave me a comment! If it's Graco or Crater's brand I may have to pass, but promise I will try consider all suggestions openly!

28 Weeks: Hello Third Trimester! Reflections on things I wish people told me about being pregnant.

On Sunday we hit 28 weeks and I cannot be more trilled! It's another milestone in our pregnancy and now I feel we are on the downhill race to meeting our little peanut!

I would like to take this moment to share with you somethings most people to do not tell you about being pregnant. I feel the need share this, because I got the usual weekly update from TheBump.com informing me that this week I should expect to see colostrum leaking from my breasts! I was not prepared to read that nor do I have nursing pads ready in case this does actually happen! So, in case you are newly pregnant, thinking about getting pregnant, or just plain curious let me share some things other people do not often tell you about being pregnant.

First off, from the time my pee test showed positive marks that I was pregnant, this also seemed to active my bladder. I have to pee all of the time, but especially at night. One night in particular I counted 5 times I had to get up and pee. This does not equal a lot of good quality sleep to be had. It wasn't until week 24 that I actually slept through the night without having to get up and pee. I woke up and turned to Jon and said, "A miracle has happened! I slept through the night without having to get up and pee!" This miracle lasted about three weeks and then I was woken up by heartburn and a baby moving around so much I worried that it was having a seizure, it turns out that it just had the hiccups!

While I am talking about bathroom things, no one told me that being pregnant would sometimes cause the worst constipation you will ever have. The problem is unlike none pregnant constipation where you may not have the urge to go and feel all bloated and uncomfortable; Pregnant constipation must be a preparation for child birth, because you have the immediate urge to go, but you are quickly met with the most uncomfortable, unmovable, and often very large poops! This recently happened while we were at my in-laws house. I had to find Jon to ask him for help locating the plunger. He found it and helped unclog the toilet for me. Later he commented on the size of what was blocking the toilet, I was proud that he took such notice and care for me!

I guess there is one more thing that happens in the bathroom while you are pregnant and that is the morning sickness. For me it was at night and in the morning, but not everyday. The first time I got sick, it was because Jon was making breakfast for me. I usually cook the sausage patties in the microwave and he elected to cook them on the stove. The kitchen smelled of grease, which filled the air in our house, need less to say, my breakfast didn't stay down to long. What people do not tell you is 'morning sickness' can happen anytime! One night we turned off the lights and went to bed. Jon started snuggle into me. I had been trying to fight off the nausea for awhile and as he came into kiss me I yelled, "I think I'm going to throw up!" I quickly got up to ran to the toilet. I came back to bed after cleaning myself up and Jon asked if I was okay and then asked sweetly, if the thought of kissing him makes me want to vomit?! "No, Babe, it's just what happens while you're pregnant apparently!"

The last thing I will talk about is the weight gain. I have struggled with my weight most of my life. I have hypothyroidism, which I diagnosed with when I was a senior in high school. From my freshman year of high school to my senior year of high school I gained over 100 pounds. Yes, I can contribute some of this to unhealthy eating and lack of exercise, but my thyroid was also not working, which meant that my metabolism was not working, my periods were never really got going, I was depressed, and more sensitive to temperature changes, etc. So, since that time in my life I have tried to watch what I eat, exercise, and stay at a healthy weight. This has fluctuated over the years, but while you are pregnant you are inevitability going to gain weight and you should reconcile the differences in how you look at your weight as soon as possible. I will say this is harder said then done. I have gone into my monthly midwife appointments cringing as I step on the scale. The last three appointments I have gained 10 pounds per month, I asked my midwifes at last months appointment if this was normal for my height. They said, I shouldn't be too worried, and that they don't know what is normal pregnancy weight gain is for me yet. Last week I went in for my monthly checkup and got on the scale, this month I gained 12 pounds, I felt defeated, because I am inching closer and closer to where I was in my senior year of high school, before I was put on thyroid medication, my heaviest weight ever. I know I am pregnant and I will lose it after I have the baby, but it is hard knowing I still have three more months of weight gain. The books I have read say I am probably going to gain pound a week from here on out, I am hoping that is all I will put on! I feel heavy, I feel slowed down, and tonight I had to ask Jon for help with putting on my socks, because it's uncomfortable to bend over and do it myself! He was happy to help and was excited I was asking for his assistance. I am grateful for him and his encouragement. The midwives had me take a glucose test last week and are going to check my thyroid levels this week. The glucose test came back with great results, so good news there, no gestational diabetes! For, now I am trying to enjoy my baby belly, bigger breasts, and the help offered to me!

The Van

I would like to introduce you to our new van! Jon did a work-trade for the previous owner and this is how he paid Jon! I have always wanted an old van like this or a VW bus, but I think this is far better than any VW, because it's a Ford! I love driving it and look forward to the things we are going to be able to bring home with it and go do with it. More pictures to come I'm sure.

Much Ado About Ashland!

If you are crossing the border from Oregon to California on I-5 chances are you will probably see two exits for this little city, but since it is about three miles off of the freeway, chances are you probably haven't gone to the heart of this place. If you are a fan of Shakespeare you probably have heard about their annual festival. Here is an excerpt from their website, "Founded in 1935, the Tony Award-winning Oregon Shakespeare Festival (OSF) is among the oldest and largest professional non-profit theatres in the nation. Each year OSF presents an eight-and-a-half-month season of eleven plays in three theatres plus numerous ancillary activities, and undertakes an extensive theatre education program. Operating on a budget exceeding $26 million, OSF presents more than 780 performances annually with attendance of approximately 400,000."

If you are into Shakespeare or not Ashland is a beautiful town with tons of charm and it is one of my favorite places in Oregon!

If you are looking for a place to lay your head there is the high priced luxury Ashland Springs Hotel located in the heart of Main Street this is a really beautiful hotel, but I found a couple of other choices, which I would suggest. The Peerless Hotel still close to Main Street shopping and the OSF, also about the same price range as the Ashland Springs Hotel, but its much smaller and located in Ashland's Historic Railroad and Gallery District. If this is out of your price range I would stay at the Columbia Hotel if you want to be on Main Street or my favorite The Palm, which is about a 5 minute drive (also very walkable) to Main Street. I stayed in a queen size room with a kitchenette. It was very affordable, very cute, and so comfortable. I felt like it was my own little apartment or like I was staying at a family member's house. This is a very rare and blessed experience when you travel as much as I do!

There are many shops and restaurants and cafes to enjoy on Main Street, for shopping I would suggest stopping into Fabric of Vision if you are at all into sewing or crafting. Nectar - Eco Boutique for cute clothes you can feel good about buying, and Paddington Station for unique gifts for you or for those on your Christmas list!

For places to eat Deep's Indian Cuisine, caught my eye as I drove past it earlier in the day. I thought it sounded good on a cold and rainy night. I heard it tends to be busy on the weekends, but went early on a Tuesday night and found it to be quite and cozy. I was surprised by how good the food was. I say this because I live in a small town and I know how international food in small towns can tend not translate well! Deep's went above and beyond my expectations. I had their Spinach Pakora for a starter, Chicken Vindaloo for my dinner entree, and Cheese Nan for a oh so satisfying side! After dinner I could have gone to Sikiyou Micro Pub, but I was craving something sweet. I walked back to Main Street and went to Mix Sweet Shop. They have lovely pastries and espresso to accompany. You should bring a date or a buddy to share one of their treats, because they tend to be on the large side, which is not a bad thing! I had a lemon bar (my favorite), but I was eyeing their cupcakes, which were very large and rich looking. I knew I didn't have room for it, but I will have to go back and try it next time!

If you want to stay and eat in or are looking for a place to find lovely breakfast items or groceries. Stop by The Ashland Food Co-op for local and organic food items. Checkout their deli for a wide array of choices for breakfast or lunch. Their cheese section has a basket of all of the small remnant pieces from their speciality cheeses, which I love buying to try selections I haven't had before without the heavy price tag. They also sell cute "Green Bags", which in their case are brown bags with a yellow logo for 25 cents. I bought four! If you are on the Southeast side of town then visit Market of Choice, also has an amazing selection of organics, specialty items, and make sure you visit their wine department. If you need help picking a wine talk to William the store wine/coffee buyer who will gladly share his knowledge and expertise with you.

Ashland is also in it's off season right now, which means you cannot catch a play, but you can experience all of the other attractions Ashland has to offer saving some money too! OSF season begins again in February, which means prices will rise on hotel rooms around then. If you are traveling by Ashland drive a couple extra miles off of the freeway and have a visit!

Ford Family Garden

This summer I planted a garden with my family at my grandparent's house as a type of memorial to my Grandpa. Many of my memories of my childhood and of my Grandpa have to do with his garden and the produce he yielded from it. This year, we harvested potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, peas, beans, squash, corn, cucumbers, and apples from the trees that have shaded the garden for decades! There were many things that would have grown had they had more attention, but overall I was happy with what grew and learned a lot and loved the time with family and remembering my grandpa.

Black And White (New Mexico And Colorado).

New Mexico Travels.

Eyeballs!

I am currently traveling for work, exploring Southern Colorado and New Mexico. I stumbled into an antique shop in the historic plaza in Taos and found a lovely French man and his wonderful collections of beautiful and weird treasures from afar. My favorite was his collection of glass eyeballs and I couldn't take my eyes off of them (lame joke I know, but I couldn't resist)! I shared chocolate and he shared stories about home and the things he loves. If you ever get to Taos, I highly recommend stopping in!

Saying Goodbye.

I cannot believe how God answers prayers. I was scheduled to leave for a work trip to Colorado on Tuesday morning. I wasn't sure if I should go because of Grandpa's health and asked God what I should do. I didn't get any flashing signs not to go and the word was Grandpa had about a week to two weeks to live. I thought even if something happened I could always come back early, so I decided to go. I stayed at my parent's house on Monday night. We got up at 4:20am and left not long after and headed on our way with plenty of time to get there. I even skipped stopping for coffee to make sure that I got to the airport without delay. Dad dropped me off and left for work and I headed for the check-in. I was surprised to see the crowd of people in line, it was spring break and there were more people then normal traveling. I got in line and finally made it up to the desk when the friendly airline worker told me check-in was closed for my flight and I had missed it by about 3 min. She booked me on the next flight at 1pm that afternoon, so I had plenty of time to kill. I took my bags and went to get some coffee and breakfast. The thought of calling my sister went through my head, because she lives about 15 min. from the airport. I decided it was too early to call her, but while I was waiting for my coffee she called. Stephanie was was on her way to visit Grandpa and driving past the airport. We worked out I had enough time to go with her and get back in time for my next flight. I was so excited about this unexpected chance to see Grandpa again.

We got to their house and Mom and my Aunt Vivian were there with Grandpa and Grandma. They had stayed over there the night, because he was needing more help and care, more then she could handle on her own. I went in and held Grandpa's hand. He was breathing heavily, because they had just got him back into bed from a trip to the bathroom. I held his hand for a long time and tried to hold back the tears. I didn't want him to wake up and see me crying. When he finally woke up and saw me and gave me a big smile, I told him about my missed flight and he smiled and grabbed my hand tighter. I sat with him for a while longer and then decided to give my sister a chance to sit with him.

I picked up my camera and began to shoot some photos. I wanted to keep my mind off of loosing my Grandpa and be able to have something to hold onto later. I wasn't sure if I should or not, because I wanted to preserve his dignity and respect him, but I knew that I might regret not taking them as well. Then my mom convinced Grandma to get next to him and take some pictures with him. I was so glad that she did, because I think they are so beautiful. I have never seen her love on him that way, which made me very grateful to be able to capture them together. I went outside in the frosty morning sun and took pictures of Grandpa's daffodils, they were his favorite flowers and they were in full bloom. He would make us take some home with us when ever we would leave, because he wanted to other people to enjoy them. He did this with everything he grew in his garden.

When we finally said goodbye to my Grandpa, he asked me if Stephanie was coming with me. I said, "Yeah, she is taking me back to the airport, I gotta go to Colorado. I love you Grandpa." I gave him a kiss and then we left. I got through checked-in and security, and was waiting when Stephanie called again. She said hospice had come over again and said Grandpa probably had less then 24 hours to live. I called Dad, he said he would love it if I stayed. I knew I needed to be there for him. I canceled my flight and got my bags back, which was a lot easier then I thought it would be. Not long after that Dad came and picked me up at the airport. We made one stop and then took our dog Isaac to the kennel, which was where we were when Mom called and told Dad that Grandpa had passed away. It was so quick, much quicker then we had thought, which meant Dad was not there with all of his sisters when Grandpa took his last breath. Dad told me when we got back into the car. He asked if we should take the back roads one last time. I told him that it was okay to cry, no one would see him and that he could just put on his sunglasses. Dad doesn't like to show his emotions (I don't either) and I knew he was upset and he needed to let it out. I saw him wipe under his glasses a couple of times. I struggled to keep strong for him.

When we finally made it to the house everyone cleared out of the house and gave Dad a chance to say goodbye to Pop alone. I walked to the end of the driveway away from everyone and sobbed. I thought about how it could have been different if Dad hadn't picked me up and he would have been able to be there, but no one knew that it was so close. Grandpa was talking and aware and then just like that he was gone. Life is so amazing and fragile.

When everyone had a chance to say goodbye the mortuary not too long after to take Grandpa away. We were able to cover him with the flag to honor his service in World War II and Dad was able to help carry him with my uncle and cousin. It was a moment I will remember forever. They put him into the van and Dad bent down and said goodbye again. Then he stood in the driveway and waved goodbye as they pulled away. I ran up to stand with him, then Mom and Stephanie came to stand and wave with us. It was our family tradition to watch and wave whenever anyone left our house after a visit, which we still do to this day. Grandpa's tradition was to honk the car horn twice as he pulled away! Before they left Stephanie had told the driver to honk the horn twice, he looked at her funny, but I will never forget my dad's face when he did. It was a look of surprise and then a huge smile came over him and we all laughed. He said, "Hey? Hey! That's my Pop!"

I am still amazed at how God answered my prayers about where I should be. I thought I would be fine if I was in Colorado when Grandpa died, because I thought I had come to terms with him dying and I had said goodbye quite a few times never knowing if it would be the last. I realized this week that I could have never said goodbye enough, because I miss him already.

While I was organizing photos for the memorial service I turned to ask Grandpa who someone was in a photo, and realized in a deeper level that he was no longer there. I could never have guessed how much I needed to be with my family to support them and to just be near and available to them. I could have never guessed how much these photos already mean and how somethings are too precious to miss and for that I will be forever grateful that God knew and intervened.

Photos and Memories

Last Saturday Dad and I took the old country back roads to Forest Grove to visit Grandpa and Grandma Ford. The day turned into a moment that I knew would be forever cherished in my mind.

I drove us in Dad's Volvo wagon, Dad filled the silence with stories about the old farm land and memories he had of the old country roads. Before we got to their house I picked up another coffee at a roadside espresso drive through. I knew the day was going to be a long one and I was going to need the added fuel. We had gotten word from my aunt that Grandpa's health was worsening and we should go and visit. It was not an easy trip to make, which was the cause of much of my silence. I wasn't sure what to expect when we arrived. I think my dad felt the same way.

We finally pulled into their driveway, their house looked different to me. The trees which used to shade the driveway had been removed and now the house was exposed. It had never looked so small and old to me. The roof was covered with a large blue tarp because it was in need of repair, it seemed to be symbolic of so much more.

Dad and I got out of the car and I waited to follow him. He said, "Come here I want to show you something." I followed him around the back of the garage to his fishing boat he bought this year. It was also covered with a blue tarp, which had collected rain water. Dad got a bucket and collected some of the water and poured in the grass below. Then we went and looked at Grandpa's garden, which was bare except for pruned tree limbs in a pile. We talked about planting the garden again this year, the things we should plant and where the border of the garden should be. I got excited about the thought of it even though it seems like it would be a lot of work and pointless to some. I think that it is necessary for holding onto treasured memories.

We continued to walk around the property and saw the bulbs were coming up again. Dad said that Grandpa had planted those when he was a kid. Dad had found two rose bushes in the garage they had brought out the weekend before, which needed planted. He started to pull out the shovel and I told him that I thought we should go inside and see them. He put down the shovel and rose bushes on the front porch stairs and we finally went in. Grandpa was in his chair by the front window where his recliner had always been. Grandma was cleaning the table around him. We said hello to them and I sat down in a chair across from him. My dad told them about the rose bushes that needed planting and then went out to go take care of them. I sat inside and talked to them. Grandpa couldn't hear me, it seemed like his hearing had gotten worse. He was reclined back with his arms raised above his head, he had never looked so small and frail. I found it hard to know what to do or to say.

Dad came back in about the time Aunt Ruby came over to take Grandma out shopping. After they left, Dad suggested that we take Grandpa out in the car for a ride. It was amazing to me how ready Grandpa was to get out of the house and on his way! He quickly got out of the recliner, grabbed his walker and made his way to the front door to get his shoes and coat on in no time at all. I didn't know that he had it in him to move that quickly! I waited with him by the front door as Dad pulled his car out of the garage. When the car was ready I helped Grandpa down the porch stairs and into the passengers seat. I got into the back and we waited for Dad to lock the house and get into the car. I noticed that Grandpa was breathing heavily I put my hand on his shoulder and he took my hand and held it. I said some prayers for him. When Dad got in I and told him about his breathing. Dad went back inside to get the travel oxygen tank. In the silence of the car I could hear Grandpa's heart, there was conjestion around it, which made a rattling noise, which kind of scared me. Dad came back to the car and hooked up the mask and asked Grandpa could feel the oxygen coming out. Grandpa said, "Yeah, I can feel a breeze!" My dad cracked up and I laughed a bit more nervously. His breathing began to slow down and he was relaxed, which made me relax as well.

Dad suggested we go to Scottie's drive-in and pickup Grandpa a milk shake. He hadn't been eating much lately and Grandpa said that he would have drink a little strawberry milk shake if we got him one. Dad stayed in the car with Grandpa and I went and ordered us some food and Grandpa's shake. I got back in with our lunch and we took off and drove through David's Hill and around old country roads where both Grandpa and Dad loved to go. I sat in the back like I was a kid again just listening to them talk and watching the scenery out the window. Grandpa wanted to take me by the old mill where he worked and the old apartment him and Grandma lived in. He said that they had gotten priority when other renters left and they got to move to the downstairs apartment, but they still had to share a bathroom with the other renters. He said they used to keep pigs in the back and they had a garden off to the side of the house. Things you would never hear of doing these days, but it saved them money because times were not easy for them.

It was a beautiful drive.

I watched Dad care after Grandpa, respecting and honoring him as same the strong father he had always been to him. Dad didn't show fear or sadness, he was just living in the moment remembering life as it used to be, laughing about stories and memories they had of the places we passed by. His wasn't ready to let go and just wanted to have more time and memories together. We got back to the house and Grandpa sat in an old broken recliner in the garage as Dad fixed his lawn mower. Grandpa told him where the tools he needed were. I went back into the house to give them time together and began looking through the old photo albums. There were many of my childhood, Dad's childhood, of Grandpa, and our family that I wanted to keep. I decided to take them to the photo copier shop in town and made copies of them. When I got back Dad was ready to go home. We said goodbye to Grandpa and Grandma and I drove us back home.

On the way back my dad said that he wasn't ready to write him off. I know he isn't ready to let go, that he is hurting and probably a little scared, but I know Dad is strong because of all Grandpa taught him and instilled in him, which I have been gifted with as well. It is hard to see someone who used to hold you and protect you, now needing held and protected by you. It is hard to watch, to walk through, and to know what to say or to do at times. My heart is heavy and full for Dad and Grandpa right now. It is hard to see Dad loosing his best friend. There is a deep well of story, love, and life there, which I have only seen small glimpses of. I watch in awe of all I do not understand and know. I try to hear thier stories and memories, but I do not have the picture to go with them, only the picture they paint for me. That is why I wanted to hold onto these pictures.

This week I have thought of things I wish I knew about or had asked Grandpa when he was able to hear better or when he had more strength to tell the whole story. I have looked through the these pictures and remembered when we would all come together for the holidays and during the summer when we would have family BBQ's. I would play in the garden and look at all of the wonderful things Grandpa had planted, carrots, corn, pumpkins, and tomatoes. I would pick raspberries, apples, and cherries and we would make apple cider and home made ice cream on the back porch. Dad and Grandpa would sit on the porch swing and talk. I would run and sit next to them and run off when I got bored, but I always knew they were always sitting there, that I was safe and watched over. These are memories I will always hold.

My dad called me to thank me for going out there with him. He said he had talked to Grandpa. He told me Grandpa had asked if I had made it back to Hood River alright and that it was good to see me. It made me smile, because he is still watching out for me.

I am not sure how much longer he will be with us, this week hospice told us he has about a week and a half to live. Dad said that he has changed a lot this week and doesn't have the same ability to respond in conversation. Hearing this news made me all the more grateful for our adventure last week and the time we were able to share together. I am forever holding onto our day in all of its beauty and sadness.