What My Daughter Has Taught Me About Being A Mom...So Far!

I read a lot while pregnant and still pick up my Dr. Sears, The Baby Book from time to time to check in on how we are doing. There are things I did not learn from books about being a mom, many of those things I have learned from my daughter surprisingly enough! I thought I would share some of those things with you.

1. Listen To Your Children- I will always remember the evening when I was trying to console Zoe's fussiness. All of my normal tricks were not working and I decided I would put her in the Ergo and take her on a walk. I put her down on her bed and went to put on my shoes and came back to find her sound asleep with her thumb in her mouth! "What? You didn't need me to help you fall asleep?" I learned then I was keeping her awake, by trying to comfort her. I learned to listen to her from then on and to read her ques. She yawns, rubs her eyes, squawks, then cries if I haven't caught onto her earlier signs of baby communication. This lesson made my job so much easier and Zoe much happier!

2. Don't Over Parent- This goes along well with lesson number 1. One morning I was having a hard time waking up. I heard Zoe had woken up, but I just wanted a little more sleep. I decided since she wasn't crying or making her pre-cry squawks I would wait and keep my eyes closed a little longer, until she let me know she was ready! What happened? She fell back to sleep and so did I. I woke up after about another hour or so of sleep and realized then at I was over complicating things by over parenting. The next mornings to come I tried this new waiting to get up thing until I heard her ques of "I'm ready for my breakfast Mama!" I learned that when she wakes up she needs a little time to wake up before she is ready to be picked up and fed. This has become one of my favorite parts of the day. Zoe will play for about 20 minutes in her bed as she is waking up (see video number 1). She examines and turn her hands in the air and looks at the ceiling or pictures on the wall. She also scoots around in her bed and kicks. It's really fun to secretly watch her playtime. I get up and get ready for her feeding and when I come back into our room and she greets me with a huge smile and kicks and waves her arms in excitement! How could I not enjoy the morning with such a welcome!

The important thing in these lessons I have learned is to respond to ques of I'm ready, done, finished, hungry, tired, etc. It's amazing when you can learn their ques and respond to their needs quickly! This is not over parenting, but communicating with your baby, in doing this there are less tears and more trust. I never let her "cry it out" as some methods of parenting suggest, because I believe it breaks the trust your child has in you. I will say by "cry it out" I don't mean fussy tears, I mean screaming upset crying. I don't believe you are spoiling them by helping them and reacting to their cries. Your natural response is there for a reason.

 

Video 1.

 
3. Most Baby Milestones Happen Without Your Help. When Zoe was turning four months old I pulled The Baby Book off of the shelf to check in on how we were doing. I read the four month old milestones and felt a little guilty that I hadn't been doing the recommended 15 minutes of tummy time per day. I didn't make her have tummy time is because she hated it and cried within a few seconds of being put in that position. I decided to listen to her and give her small amounts of tummy time here and there when she would go for it. Once she cried I ended it. The day after she turned four months old. I decided we had better have some tummy time. I placed her on her tummy and within a couple of minutes she rolled over! I was shocked and proud of my little girl for figuring it out on her own (see video 2)! I learned milestones like rolling will happen without you teaching them how to do it, just like teeth and smiles and laughter will come on their own. That is not to say you aren't there to encourage them, but you don't have to worry so much about it! Enjoy where they are at today and what they can or cannot do. If they are not crawling or walking yet, don't worry, enjoy the time you have before you have to start chasing them! It will happen when they are ready.

 

Video 2.

I will say five months of being a parent has not made me an expert by any means! These are things I have learned from my experience with Zoe so far, our next baby (someday) will probably be different and I will write another blog entry then! I know everyone's situation is different. There are things I do wrong! What I have learned from Zoe is listen to your baby and try to learn their ques, parenting will become easier when you do. If you can, try to let go of some of the worry, guilt, and control and enjoy whatever your baby is doing today, because tomorrow it will be different!

My house is a metaphor for my mind.

This week I had a daydream that I took everything out of our house and only let a few things come back in. Ideally I would sell off the excess and make some extra money for us, but really that would just be more work and stress. I crave freedom from the burden of stress and stuff. My mind is as cluttered as the house we live in and I can't seem to organize my thoughts to find the next step or what is truly the priority. A blank canvas is what I dreamt of. I tried to stall my mind to think of what I would put back on it. I would put Jon and Zoe of course, but they also bring stuff with them. Jon and I have common goals of what we want and what we want to do in life, but I'm not sure he shares my goals for minimalism! Zoe comes with diapers and clothes, lotions and toys, and more things than any three month old probably knows she needs or probably needs. I know we need things like food, shelter, and clothing, but I would like us just to have a place setting each and a frying pan and a pot. For less dishes to need to be done. Less stuff to worry about. It may sound extreme, but something about it sounds wonderful. Really I just want to store less and free ourselves of the burdens of managing and cleaning stuff, when we could be doing other things with our time.

If you cannot tell my life is feels chaotic right now. Maybe me looking for a new house to rent or buy this week is less about our rent getting raised next month and more about wanting some new headspace? Or my desire for less stuff and a minimalistic life is about wanting to clean out the burdens we carry each day. Work family, baby, cancer, meals, bills, pregnancy weight, weight of our burdens. The day to day of life is hard, it hurts, it's busy. There is joy and blessings, there is much to be thankful for and much to pray for. I dream of a day when we have less in our house and in our lives, less stress. I don't know if that day will ever come. I hope, pray, wait, sit and rest when I can, and then get up and get going again. Other times I just let it wait until tomorrow.

For My Parents

Last weekend my parents celebrated their 40th wedding Anniversary.  I wanted to write a blog about them, because they are both amazing people and together make an even more amazing team. My parents may look like Ken and Barbie from the outside, but I know they don't feel perfect and have walked through their  own struggles throughout the last 40 years, but continue to face each day and the uncertainty it brings with grace and love for each other.
I have been watching them my whole life and I have learned many things, how to love others, how to work hard, how to persevere, how to enjoy the little things in life, and how to follow Jesus. My parents have taught me by example that it's how you run the race that is important and that even if the race isn't going well you should keep running and persevere. I think about how I have seen this in  my Dad and how he has fought cancer for the last 11 years and in how my Mom has been by his side as his caregiver each and everyday of those 11 years. I think about my Mom and her abundant kindness and the love she shows him and everyone around her. She is also a fighter and one of the strongest women I know.
I think about how the week before their Anniversary my Dad was in the hospital for 10 day and my Mom slept by his side in a reclining chair every night. She only left the hospital every few days for a quick trip home to freshen up and take a quick break. I think about visiting my Dad in the hospital while he was going through the apheresis procedure to thin his blood. He was looking forward keeping a steady gaze ahead of him trying to keep focused on getting through it. I sat by his side talking to him, not without tears as I hoped (I blame the postnatal hormones or having something in my eye as my dad would say)! He was focused on what he needed to do and was comforting me in my tears. I was suppose to be there for him! I love both of my parents so much. I am so proud of them and the journey they have been on and continue to be on together. They have kept the pace and continue to run together through what each day brings them. I am so grateful for them and that they are my parents, teachers, role models, and friends. Thank you for the example you are to me and so many others. Thank you for never giving up and persevering forward together. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!WE love you!
  

Sometimes You Get What You Need.

I think these Rolling Stones lyrics sum up the last six weeks perfectly! Yesterday while driving with my arm stretched around the seat with my finger in Zoe's mouth to calm her cries. I was pondering the thought that the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle and that He gives us what we need, which can stretch us as farther than we think we can be stretched!

Zoe is attached to me, she needs me to hold her and comfort her and often no one else will do. This is not always what I want, because I need to do things like shower, eat, go to the bathroom! It's what she needs at this moment, so my needs fall to the back burner. I tell Jon not to worry, with the Dad she has, she is soon bound to be a Daddy's girl for the rest of her life and she will forget about me!

Zoe has changed how we do things, we are still trying to learn what her routine is, but it changes everyday. So, I make plans and she changes them! I want to go out for a walk and she just wants to stay in and eat, all day! My milk supply is still not enough for her needs, but that doesn't matter to her she still needs the comfort of nursing, this is how she falls asleep. This is what I find amazing, and such a gift. She could reject nursing and stick to the bottle, but she prefers nursing and whatever milk I give her. I wish I could give her all the milk she could ever ask for her. We can't always get what we want, but we have been given all that we need.

Last month I was worried we were going to have to give her formula, because the donated breast milk we had was always running low, we needed more mom who could donate. I was referred to a couple of forums for donating milk one is a Facebook group called "Eats and Feets" and the other is a website called MilkShare. I had posted requests for milk donations, but didn't have any responses. I kept checking and praying for milk to start pouring down. One day while I was nursing my friend Amiee texted and asked us if we wanted a mini freezer. She needed to get rid of for her move. I said yes without hesitation and they delivered it a few days later. Then about couple days later while nursing I checked the forums again. There were three new posts from Mom's looking to donate milk. I emailed all of them and two of them emailed back saying I could have their freezer full of milk. I got a couple of coolers, we fed Zoe a lot before getting into the car and heading off for a little road trip. We went to the first house and the mom took me into her garage and opened a freezer and said I could have whatever I wanted. It was the mother load of milk! She said she didn't have enough milk for her daughter the first week and started pumping and hasn't stopped for fear her supply would run out. I was in awe of what we were being given. I loaded up both coolers with all of the milk that would fit and gave her a hug and thanked her. Jon and I were totally in shock with how much milk we had just been given. We still had to go to the second house to collect a freezer full. We stopped by Target and bought a couple of coolers to take whatever they had for us. We got there and she had a box ready to hand us. It was a normal refrigerator size freezer full, which was less than I thought, but still a huge blessing. We took it all and when we got back home our new freezer was full to the brim and so was our refrigerator freezer! The milk had poured down on us and we were taken care of. So much stress had been lifted off of my shoulders and Zoe still hasn't had formula, thanks to many generous mom's out there.

To put what we had been given to perspective. There are some mom's who try and sell their milk for $2-3 dollars an ounce on Craigslist. If we had to buy the milk we have used so far since that day it rained milk, we would have paid $600-$900 for it and we still have a freezer full! What a blessing.

28 Weeks: Hello Third Trimester! Reflections on things I wish people told me about being pregnant.

On Sunday we hit 28 weeks and I cannot be more trilled! It's another milestone in our pregnancy and now I feel we are on the downhill race to meeting our little peanut!

I would like to take this moment to share with you somethings most people to do not tell you about being pregnant. I feel the need share this, because I got the usual weekly update from TheBump.com informing me that this week I should expect to see colostrum leaking from my breasts! I was not prepared to read that nor do I have nursing pads ready in case this does actually happen! So, in case you are newly pregnant, thinking about getting pregnant, or just plain curious let me share some things other people do not often tell you about being pregnant.

First off, from the time my pee test showed positive marks that I was pregnant, this also seemed to active my bladder. I have to pee all of the time, but especially at night. One night in particular I counted 5 times I had to get up and pee. This does not equal a lot of good quality sleep to be had. It wasn't until week 24 that I actually slept through the night without having to get up and pee. I woke up and turned to Jon and said, "A miracle has happened! I slept through the night without having to get up and pee!" This miracle lasted about three weeks and then I was woken up by heartburn and a baby moving around so much I worried that it was having a seizure, it turns out that it just had the hiccups!

While I am talking about bathroom things, no one told me that being pregnant would sometimes cause the worst constipation you will ever have. The problem is unlike none pregnant constipation where you may not have the urge to go and feel all bloated and uncomfortable; Pregnant constipation must be a preparation for child birth, because you have the immediate urge to go, but you are quickly met with the most uncomfortable, unmovable, and often very large poops! This recently happened while we were at my in-laws house. I had to find Jon to ask him for help locating the plunger. He found it and helped unclog the toilet for me. Later he commented on the size of what was blocking the toilet, I was proud that he took such notice and care for me!

I guess there is one more thing that happens in the bathroom while you are pregnant and that is the morning sickness. For me it was at night and in the morning, but not everyday. The first time I got sick, it was because Jon was making breakfast for me. I usually cook the sausage patties in the microwave and he elected to cook them on the stove. The kitchen smelled of grease, which filled the air in our house, need less to say, my breakfast didn't stay down to long. What people do not tell you is 'morning sickness' can happen anytime! One night we turned off the lights and went to bed. Jon started snuggle into me. I had been trying to fight off the nausea for awhile and as he came into kiss me I yelled, "I think I'm going to throw up!" I quickly got up to ran to the toilet. I came back to bed after cleaning myself up and Jon asked if I was okay and then asked sweetly, if the thought of kissing him makes me want to vomit?! "No, Babe, it's just what happens while you're pregnant apparently!"

The last thing I will talk about is the weight gain. I have struggled with my weight most of my life. I have hypothyroidism, which I diagnosed with when I was a senior in high school. From my freshman year of high school to my senior year of high school I gained over 100 pounds. Yes, I can contribute some of this to unhealthy eating and lack of exercise, but my thyroid was also not working, which meant that my metabolism was not working, my periods were never really got going, I was depressed, and more sensitive to temperature changes, etc. So, since that time in my life I have tried to watch what I eat, exercise, and stay at a healthy weight. This has fluctuated over the years, but while you are pregnant you are inevitability going to gain weight and you should reconcile the differences in how you look at your weight as soon as possible. I will say this is harder said then done. I have gone into my monthly midwife appointments cringing as I step on the scale. The last three appointments I have gained 10 pounds per month, I asked my midwifes at last months appointment if this was normal for my height. They said, I shouldn't be too worried, and that they don't know what is normal pregnancy weight gain is for me yet. Last week I went in for my monthly checkup and got on the scale, this month I gained 12 pounds, I felt defeated, because I am inching closer and closer to where I was in my senior year of high school, before I was put on thyroid medication, my heaviest weight ever. I know I am pregnant and I will lose it after I have the baby, but it is hard knowing I still have three more months of weight gain. The books I have read say I am probably going to gain pound a week from here on out, I am hoping that is all I will put on! I feel heavy, I feel slowed down, and tonight I had to ask Jon for help with putting on my socks, because it's uncomfortable to bend over and do it myself! He was happy to help and was excited I was asking for his assistance. I am grateful for him and his encouragement. The midwives had me take a glucose test last week and are going to check my thyroid levels this week. The glucose test came back with great results, so good news there, no gestational diabetes! For, now I am trying to enjoy my baby belly, bigger breasts, and the help offered to me!

Prenancy Life So Far...

If you hadn't heard Jon and I are having a baby! Our due date is May 15th, and we are very excited. I haven't posted in a while, mainly because I have been exhausted most of the time and not feeling like doing anything. I am lucky if I get something in our bellies, that looks like a normal dinner, Jon has been very kind to not mind if I ask if we can get take out instead of cooking. Blogging is the last thing on my mind, I must say!

The first trimester was rough, I felt sea-sick most of the time, but my naturopath gave me the okay to eat things I crave even if I have an intolerance to them. So,I have been enjoying eggs, milk, cheese, and bread again, without too many problems, which also helped with the nausea. I guess the baby and I need what those foods have to offer, more than the problems they have caused before.

I was eating a lot of breakfast sandwiches and tea instead of coffee, until the old breakfast sandwich wasn't staying down anymore. I went back to eating gluten-free pancakes for awhile, and smoothies from Jamba Juice. I thought that I was done with the morning sickness, but a couple of days after I was eating my pancakes and eggs and complained to Jon that my stomach wasn't feeling good. It was about an hour later everything came up and I just went back to bed. It turned out that I had gotten the stomach flu and couldn't keep anything down for over 24 hours. The next morning I called our mid-wife practice (yes, we are going with a mid-wife instead of a doctor, but more on that later). Heather, the Mid-wife on-call answered and I told her what had been going on. I was worried about our baby more than anything. Heather told us we could either go to the ER to get an IV or meet her at the practice in an hour. We decided to go with the second option. Heather let us lay on one of the queen size birthing beds, as she gave me two bags of IV fluids. During that time we got to hear the baby's heartbeat again and it sounded perfect. Heather said, "It's amazing how well protected they are in there?" I felt a huge sense of relief after that and I felt a whole lot better after the IV's were done. By the next day I feeling almost like myself again. I was so grateful for Heather and for her helping us bypass the ER visit. It would have been a lot more expensive and time consuming having to go that route. This is one of the reasons we decided to go with a Mid-wife instead.

Being pregnant is an amazing thing. I am in awe of how we are able to create new life and how our bodies naturally grow and change to take on this life. I will try to post more now that I am out of the sickness and tired zombie phase!

If you are still out there, I've decided to return!

Jon reminded me this weekend that I have not blogged in a while. My response to him was, "since moving back in with the Rent's, I haven't felt like talking about my life!" Actually this is only somewhat true, ever since last July I have been living with my parents in, which has meant a longer commute to work, not a lot of space to create, taking a drawing class in the fall, seeing Jon more, having people around all of the time and not having a lot of extra energy to do the things I normally do. Needless to say, yes I am saving money, but it has cost me in other areas too!


I would love to post my drawings from my semester Intro to Drawing course. I did get an "A" in the class, but more than that I was proud of my work. I will try and post photos soon. I would love to take more classes this next semester, but I had a hard time balancing work, life, homework, and class two nights a week. I seem to be tired all of the time, and I think that is mostly because I am busy and I am an introvert and I don't get a lot of quite time to refuel! Something that has helped with this is running.

I started running last summer and did a training program called "Couch to 5k." If you want to become a runner, I would use this program. The first week you run 5 -1 minute intervals. I got up to a 3 miles last summer, then I moved in with my parents and put that aside along with a lot of other things! But, I started running again in January, not as a New Years resolution so much, but more as a I need to get back into shape and my class is over, so I have no excuse resolution! Another part of my resolution, was to go to the Chiropractor and Naturopath to get back into health again. I found this also very helpful, which I'll talk about more in the future. I decided to start the Couch to 5k program again, which was supported by my Naturopath prescribing me a 5 or 8k and a half marathon this year, in order for me to keep motivated to run. I ran the Portland Shamrock Run-8k a few weekends ago and I am now training for a half marathon in July. I have wanted to run a marathon for a really long time now, and I am feeling more and more confident that this is possible. If anyone would like to be my training buddy or join my cheerleading squad please let me know! My parents and Jon were there at the finish line and kept me motivated throughout my training program and that day of the run. Thank you to them!

Now that I have come back to here I hope to write more often. I have more to talk about and my goal is to write at least once a week if not more! Please feel free to comment, I would love to know that you are out there listening!

Spring Cleaning

If you follow my blog at all you will know it has been awhile since I last posted and you might notice some changes to the layout. I thought it needed some brightening up for Spring. I needed something to motivate myself to post more, which usually means I clean and organize first!

I have also been doing this at home. My creative processes have been lagging by my work studio not having heat, a noisy squirrel living in the roof, and needing to sell some furniture taking over one half of the space. I posted ads for the furniture this week on craigslist and found a solution to the heating problem. So, I should probably tell you about the squirrel, it is a funny story to those who are not living with it!

I noticed creepy noises about the second day I lived here. My bed was out there when I first moved in, because it is an enclosed porch with a lot of light and it just seemed like a nice place to sleep (not many others agreed with me), but I stuck it out until one night I woke up to this awful noise that sounded like the squirrel was digging through the ceiling and pulling up the wood! I realized then if anyone wakes my up in the middle of the night they should be afraid, because I was so mad I thought I was going to kill someone or thing! I grabbed a broom and started banging on the ceiling yelling "SHUT UP" and "NO!" At one point before this I thought I could train it by yelling no and banging on the ceiling with the broom, but it didn't work, which made me only think it was a rabid squirrel or a beast! That night the squirrel won, I moved my bed into the "bedroom" I was using for a work studio. I also had to patch the ceiling with some wood where the squirrel had started to make his way through. I am warmer at night now, get better sleep, but I don't work in there as much because it is hard to sew or create when your fingers are frozen and you have a squirrel still taunting you! Laugh it up, I know the squirrel is laughing too!

So, fast forward a little to coming home from traveling with work and I noticed a pile sawdust on the floor from the ceiling where the patch was. I cleaned it up and noticed the little bugger dug a hole around the patch! Last weekend I set out to fix it again and adding some cayenne pepper to the patch, because this is suppose to help (who knows if it will)? I took down the old patch after hitting the ceiling with a broom again to make sure he knew I was coming and hopefully run it out of there. Paused and then pulled the last screw out of the ceiling and pulled off the old patch. To my surprise the hole was absolutely huge! I was not ready to see that, nor the leaves and bark and stuff it had filled it with to nest. This left me scrambling to get the new patch up there before it ran across in the silence of the drill, which would ultimately mean it landing onto my face! Luckily I managed to quickly repair it with out meeting the little bugger face to face, but he is still up there and still making noise. I have never been so angry at an animal before I have been known to be more fond of animals then people, but this guy pushes me over the edge. The noises it makes are so creepy and annoying, it is scary, and I pay the rent not him! I was originally waiting for the snow to melt before I evicted him, then it melted and then it was Spring I was waiting for, but now we are approaching March and he has to go!

So, I blame him for not being more creative lately. I have new fabric and ideas for bags, which I will hopefully post here soon. I am also working on new projects and would like to share those on here as well. So, squirrel or not squirrel, I need to motivate myself to work through it! Sorry for the absence, I am back now and ready for more blogging.

Home Sweet Home!

I moved last weekend into my very own 1 bedroom apartment! I have never lived in such a big apartment by myself and let me just tell you it is wonderful. It is actually more of a two bedroom, because of an enclosed porch off the end, which has provides an extra space for all of my projects. I cannot begin to tell you how amazing having this space is (more to come about that)!

I stumbled upon it in the newspaper as I was looking for someplace to spread out and create. I saw an office space downtown and thought that might be good for a work/art studio. Lisa (my best friend) suggested I look for an apartment instead. I started calling some of the ads in the the paper and the apartment I found was an newly open apartment in Lisa's building (much to both of our surprises)! The apartment is even equipped with a secret door into her apartment, which has been great with all of the snow that we have.

Many of you know that when I first moved to Hood River I lived in a studio Apartment in a barn, those days ended the summer before last, when I moved out and into the home of my dear roommates Dawna and Vlado. I was so blessed living there...having indoor plumbing, a quite room to come home to from all of my travels, and people to eat my leftovers! It came time to move when I out grew my room with sewing projects and my little room couldn't hold anymore stuff!

I feel so blessed by my new home. The first night I moved in it snowed and it has been snowing ever since. I think that we have about 2 feet of snow now, which has given me time to settle in. I have been enjoying my new art studio, unpacking, organizing, cooking, and yes, sewing!

Ford Family Garden

This summer I planted a garden with my family at my grandparent's house as a type of memorial to my Grandpa. Many of my memories of my childhood and of my Grandpa have to do with his garden and the produce he yielded from it. This year, we harvested potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, peas, beans, squash, corn, cucumbers, and apples from the trees that have shaded the garden for decades! There were many things that would have grown had they had more attention, but overall I was happy with what grew and learned a lot and loved the time with family and remembering my grandpa.

Attention Readers!

I have come to realize I really feel like blogging has become a chore instead of something I enjoy. I have decided not to close my blog, but to reorganize and reinvent it. I would like to write about places I visit on my travels, treasures I find, pictures I take, things I create, and stories I want to pass on. I have been inspired this year by my Grandfather's life (really all of my Grandparents). They have passed onto me many tools for creativity, resourcefulness, and living simply. The photo on the top of my blog is a picture I took of the window in my Grandpa's garage, he didn't keep his garage too clean, but he created, fixed, and restored many things in there. I am proud to carry on our family's traditions and that is why I have renamed my blog "Heirloom Toolchest." I hope you enjoy my new space as much as I do, thanks for reading!

30

I am turning 30 next week and feel the need to write about it! My sister started reminding me earlier this year that I am turning 30 when my knee started going out, she has also called me and emailed me many times this last week reminding me that I am joining the 30 club. I am not bothered by her teasing. I do not feel 30, I do not know what you are suppose to look like, act like, dress like, or have accomplished by the time you are 30. If there were such rules or standards I know that I would have them all broken. I am not married, don't have kids, I often feel like I am still searching for my calling or vocation. I think about going back to school or changing careers probably on a weekly basis. I am not well established now and I really hope that I never will be. I do not think that my body is getting old, I could take better care of it at times, but I am healthier now than I have been most of my life. I am not excited about leaving my twenties, because I enjoyed the many things I was able to do during them. I have been able to live in a foreign country, graduate college, live in nine different places in the last ten years, and some how managed to obtain a 9-5 job, which I thought that I would never do, but lets be real those hours are flexible! I am not afraid of turning 30 either, I am holding onto what I have gained so far in my life and hoping for much more in the future. I am excited about what is ahead for me, because I am no longer trying to figure out who I am or change myself to become what people want me to be. For that I am excited to step into my 30's ready for more.

On my last birthday I decided that I would spend my 30th in Paris, a place I have always wanted to go and with that I would also spend it around my friends in Ireland and on an adventure to Morocco. I didn't get to Ireland or Morocco, but I got to Minneapolis where I met four of my friend from Ireland last week. It was an unexpected surprise as it came about very quickly and the time spent there almost just as fun as Paris. I was able to see people I love and miss, ride on a roller coaster at 1o in the morning at The Mall of America, go tubing behind a ski boat, dance the night away, and have a break from life as I normally know it.

In my last 30 years I have learned to let go of some of the desires I have and enjoy what has been given to me. I do not believe it is settling for less, but enjoying more without all of the thought, doubt, guilt, which I will gladly leave in my 20's. I also set a goal to loose 30 pounds before my 30th. I am at 15lbs lost so far, which I feel good about, I am not worried about the rest or about reaching my goal by my birthday, because I have finally learned to give myself a break. I have been able to learn how to give myself grace when I fall down, and then motivation to try harder the next day, and confidence to never claim failure. I am on a journey to loving myself, life, and people more. I am celebrating life and the things I enjoy, with the people who make my life colorful, and for that I am proud of turning 30.

My friend asked me last night if I had a word for this next year, as a symbol of what it will hold. Tonight it came to me, the word is golden. It is my golden birthday as I turn 30 on August 30th, and I also am believing for a golden year, much treasure ahead and much exploring this new phase of my journey. Someone also said that I should celebrate for 30 days or 30 different ways. I will write more on that as it unfolds I already have a list forming!

It has been awhile...

I got on here tonight to write something, anything, because it has been too long since my last blog. Thank you Diane for reminding me that I have been absent, busy, consumed, and just drawing a blank. Much has gone on these last few months. I have traveled many miles, to Boston, Dallas, Colorado, Seattle (quite a few times), and soon Minneapolis. I have officially entered a relationship, which has been on the works for what some could say has been seven years (since we met), some might say for a year and a half (since we have been back in touch), and others would just count it as over two months (when the official relationship status began)!

My silence has had me thinking. Thinking about life, thinking about turning 30 in less than a month, and mostly thinking about what it is to be in a relationship. I have avoided them for many, many, many years. I have lost much in the past and been hurt more than my heart would like to confess, but my heart still desires to love and to be loved. So, here I am standing in the midst of togetherness and watching it unfold.

I am learning I am more selfish then I would like to think I am. I am learning sometimes you don't have to have all of the answers at once. I am learning I like to have all of the answers at once! I am learning how to hold on and how to let go. I am learning I was scared of relationships for reasons I am no longer scared of, but I am now scared of relationships for reasons I never thought of! I am learning that being in a relationship is hard at times and easy at others. I am learning that unspoken expectations or communication can bring a lot of trouble! I am learning how much I enjoy having an other person in my life. I am learning I have a lot more to learn and it isn't as scary as it is exciting.

No Longer Searching!

I am happy to announce that after trying on five pairs of jeans in two different stores, I found a new perfect pair! They are Levi's 515s- long enough, the color I like, and they fit well. The added bonus was they were on sale for $35.00. I still would like to find other pair of jeans, but the desperation factor is no longer apart of my search.

Another amazing thing happened while shopping...I was looking for a new jacket or hoodie and I stumbled into Zumiez outlet store. I had a guy there check on a size for me in a hoodie I found and as I waited I saw a rack of ski jackets. On the rack was the very coat (as pictured to the right) that I looked long and hard for this last winter. I had stopped searching when I had been told it was sold out and no longer available. I loved this coat when I saw it, because it has little brown lines on it and on the lines are little birds resting (which you can sort of see it in the picture). I couldn't believe they had it at all, but they also had it in my size. The kicker-it was between 60-70% off of the price I would have paid for it this winter. Unbelievable! I also found a pair of solid brown ski pants to go with it and they were also on sale! I ended up spending $120.00 for both of them. I am still amazed and excited. I could not believe how well my shopping went. I feel so blessed and positive about it all! Hurray!!

Desperate times!

I have gotten into clothing funks before and I find that I presently am in one. It is usually starts because I have found pair of jeans or black trousers I like. If I find the perfect pair (or close enough) then I wear them until they are falling a part! Sad I know. There have been rare occasions when I have found an even more perfect pair, but this is very very rare. This rare moment perpetuates the clothing funk I fall into, which equates to a desperate painful search for jeans.

I have been wearing a pair of jeans from Old Navy for the last year, which I hate. I mean they are alright, but very far from perfect. These jeans came out of desperation from the previous perfect pair dying after a short and wonderful stint. I loved those jeans, they were long enough, the color was dark and faded, and the fit made me feel beautiful every time I wore them, but they only last about three weeks! I am not kidding either. I was so sad. It was one rainy day in Belfast when my perfect pair of jeans tragically tore in two different places. I took them back to The Gap and they refunded me my money, even though all I wanted was an exchange. The sales rep. told me there was a defect in that particular style of jean and they had been discontinued. She also said many people had the same problem with them and almost all of the employees had returned their's as well. This made me feel better (sort of), but this is what began a long and painful process of finding new jeans.

I found a temporary fix pair of jeans and then gave up my search, because it seemed every store I had gone to was revamping their jeans and bringing their new styles out in the fall. I waited and was disappointed to find the new styles were shorter in the length then before and they just didn't work. I have begun to hate my temporary pair and searched all over for new ones, but have not found much. The other kicker is I have also been holding out on buying jeans until I loose some weight. I have to say this has not been a priority over the last few crazy and stressful months.

Today, my mom and I were in a store shopping and she tells me, "your jeans are sagging!" I tell her I know, which leads into me telling her this very same story. Not even four hours later things turned tragic when my jeans did not make it through an afternoon of gardening! I was sad, but also grateful that they are forcing me to do one of three things: one, to wear only skirts and dresses! Two, to go out and find a new perfect pair. Or three, loose the extra weight that has been keeping me warm this winter, but has not helped me find the right fit! What is a girl to do? I have complained to The Gap and they sent me an apology and some suggestions on what fit to try to match my previous three week favorite pair! These suggestions did not bring anything I wanted to buy my way, so the search is still on and so is exercising and eating healthier, but until then it is skirts for now!

Oh, and Claire if you are reading this... I now understand why you didn't like to wash your jeans!

A couple of words...

As life goes on and time moves forward I look back with gratitude and thankfulness. I am thankful for my family for the way they love and care. I am thankful for my friends, the support and encouragement I have been given. I am thankful for your words when I needed them most.

Thank you.

Pauses

I wish at times (especially right now) there would be mandatory global pauses. Think of what good it would bring to the environment and our souls! I say I need a vacation, a rest, a break, some time to get organized and catchup, but the rest of the world would need to pause with me in order for this to be effective. It seems the world (or my little world) is running past me as I am trying to gathering my belonging and get to running too. It is a feeling of being late all of the time and unprepared, even when I am on time with my bags packed. Slow down little world, rest, pause, and wait for me. Please.

What if...

You could conquer feelings of loneliness everytime they reared their ugly heads?

This passing thought came after I experienced much loneliness when I try to slow back down to the pace of a small town after traveling for weeks in big cities, in the stress of family sickness -feeling overwhelmed and unable to do anything, in a crowded room where you feel very alone in your thoughts, or thinking about my grandpa in a nursing home when you are not sure what your body is telling you and you no longer have years ahead of you.

If you could only conquer the feelings of loneliness now and become an expert at it, then always be okay with the silence, the company of yourself, with the time you have, in the space you are at, no matter what is happening, or whatever season you are in. What an amazing feat.

Disconnected from the connection.

It was only yesterday I found out John O'Donohue had passed away. I feel incredibly disconnected from my home in Ireland. I feel even more disconnected from my family there. I didn't know John O'Donohue well, I only had the opportunity to hear him speak a couple of times, both times were in Belfast in a building I spent many hours of my life in serving, learning, and living. I remember on a cold November night I walked late into the meeting, the room was warm and quite, with candles glowing. I didn't come with notepaper or a pen to write with, I almost didn't even make it myself. It was during a time in my life, which would be monumental in changing the course of my life's direction. I was exhausted and barely holding it together. I remember everyday being such a struggle, just wanting to sleep all day long and hope the next time I woke up something would have changed. I believe it wasn't depression I was going through, but my spirit was grieving a piece of me, which was going to end soon. My mind wouldn't accept the fate until my parents came the same week for Thanksgiving and suggested I move back to America to get my feet back on the ground and to rest. I was burned out and unable to let go of the place, the people, and the home, which existed for me in Belfast. It was this week, this time, this season of my life, I heard John O'Donohue speak. I will never forget it. I found an envelope in my bag and borrowed a pen to take notes. Later I wrote my notes down in my journal, which I found again tonight. It was these words John O'Donohue spoke into my life on a cold November night and on a Sunday morning in a little church in the middle of Belfast, a place I still call home:

It takes a whole life time to learn to live in your lifetime.

Recognise and embrace what your soul is.

There is a place within your soul, time, flesh ,nor any created thing can touch, hurt, or destroy.

The heart of prayer, spirituality, and love is a question of imagination.

If we pull back from ourselves we'll realize we have all we need for the purpose we were created for.

Those who forget their past are condemned to repeat it.

Where would you love to be met?

What is the furniture of your mind?

Do you hunger for being seen and heard?

In America you are what has happened to you, that is why people tell their stories. One's identity is always more interesting then their biography. The essence of the person will always have mystery.

We should engage ourselves with reverence. It is always amazing to give oneself freedom and possibility.

Conflicts arise when you move towards each other.

There are some things you can only learn from yourself, study yourself and learn what you want from your life.

The highest form of freedom is when you become all that you are meant to be.

If you are used to running away from yourself, then you'll find it hard to be with yourself.

Solitude is given to each in equal measure.

Get a notebook to write down dreams, thoughts, and what you think about that no one suspects. Use the notebook to be a mirror to your soul. Write down all of the questions that you have. The more you look the more you'll see...

The freedom to be yourself:

1. Peace of heart.

2. Compassion and Mercy.

3. Courage to receive oneself.

4. Forgiveness.

5. Harmony and Balance (there can be balance where there is none).

6. Wisdom- not the how question.

7. Creativity.

8. Responsible response not reaction.

9. Discovery of individuality.

10. Justice.

From Sunday morning...

Jesus must have had beautiful eyes, no one who saw them would ever be the same.

On the morning you discovered you were God, what would you do for the rest of the day?

If you want to kill God, rob him of His place within your soul.

Withdraw from distraction and enter into the sanctuary of creativity, that is deep within us.

Rhythm equals silence, stillness, and solitude.

Stress is a perverted relationship with time. You just need to slow down.

Silence- to over hear your soul's conversation with God.

Saying the things you don't need to say dulls the soul. Hearing the things you don't need to hear dulls your hearing.

Solitude is given in order to receive yourself.

There are things in your life that no one can help you with other then yourself.

We are all gods and goddesses with all the vulnerability and weakness that it carries.

It takes a long time to come home with yourself, but when you do it is a very beautiful thing.

John,

Thank you for your words during a time where I needed to be reminded of the possibility of myself. Thank you for being a friend to my family members, for touching all of our lives. Thank you for being a reflection of God's love, grace, and gentleness to me and to all of those who's lives you also spoke into.

My Dad

My dad has had cancer for almost eight years, which is a bittersweet statement all together. I am proud of how hard my dad has fought through the thick of it all. He is still fighting, which makes me even more proud. About two months ago his doctor called him on a Sunday to have him come in on the next Monday, in order to begin more treatment. His caner levels were starting to rise again and they wanted to treat him with chemo again.

As my dad and mom braced themselves for the next fight I found myself in a calm peace. I can only account it to being a very special gift from the Lord. It was the calm I needed during a storm, which armed me with much needed courage to fight. Fight against fear. Cancer is not a sentence for death, but fear is. I have feared much during these last eight years. I prayed for more time with my dad and for more time for him on earth. I believe the Lord gives us all we need, we just have to choose to use what he has given us. I also believe the Lord answers prayer, not always in our means or timeline, but He does answer them.

The fight came with nine rounds of chemo, hundreds of ginger snap cookies to calm the stomach, and my dad soaked in prayer by those who love him. This fight brought his m-protein down from 2.2 to .02. The calm after the storm has come and we are slowly getting back to life as normal, with cancer, and still praying for many more years together.